Thinker. Dreamer. Lover

I was sitting at Starbucks the other day and observed an interesting conversation exchange between two girls– presumably friends. The topic of conversation was one girl’s frustration over her relationship with another girlfriend that they both had in common. Let’s call the talking girl Britney; the girl listening we will call Sam. Britney reminded me of a skit by Katherine Tate were she impersonates a valley girl recounting a story with the repetitive use of

And I was like “Oh my God”

and she was like “No Way”

and I was like……

It’s a funny skit. She narrated her story in this third person sort of way. She dominated the conversation , just droning on and on with complete irreverence as to whether her friend actually cared to hear all the monotonous details or not. It also annoyed me that her friend was such a willing doormat- literally just taking it all in and giving the occasional head nod or supportive “you’re right”.

I got the feeling that this was par the course for their relationship (their “conversation” went on in this fashion for a good 30 minuts). Britney was all words and her friend a passive participant in a very one-sided relationship. Never once did Britney ask her friend’s opinion. Never once did she inquire “What do you think” because she didn’t care to listen she just wanted to rant.

Mostly however I was annoyed with the friend- perhaps because although I do not think I am a passive person I do tend to be the person in a relationship that listens, asks after my friends, puts the interest of others, their lives before my own. Perhaps a bit to my own detriment; however noble a trait to possess  it has led certain people to take advantage of this selfless tendency and over time abuse of my generousity. I think we all have that one friend, who we come to view as a chore to interact with because communication with them is not a dialogue but rather a monologue- nay a soliloquy! Save we’ve seen that piece of theatre before, it’s repetitive, monotonous and not very entertaining. Or perhaps more jarring yet– you reader are that person! In which case I can tell you this blog post is either hard to swallow or you may not  get at all.

Listening is a selfless skill.  One that we all need to practice and hone yet seldom exercise making it pretty difficult to improve as a character trait. It requires patience to listen to others when what they are sharing may not be that interesting or moreover when you’re bursting at the seams to share your own anecdotes or stories. It’s also born out of a spirit of generousity where you are willing to give your time to listen to someone else.

Listening in a relationship, as with other forms of communication, should also be a reciprocated activity if not eventually over the course of the relationship although the perpetual talker will never fatigue his relentless tongue; the perpetual listener will eventually tire always being on the receiving end and of never being heard. I hope Britney’s friend soon tires from that relationship for her sake.

Don’t get me wrong, I by no means claim to be a perfect practitioner of listening. Case in point my  work colleague, with whom I like to think there is a good working relationship, unfortunately at times falls victim to one of my random tirades. I call it getting on my soapbox and in those moments I exercise no listening skills at all. I am so wrapped up in my own pratter that I magically convince myself that what I am saying is so fascinating so as to merit my audiences undivided attention. As if I am some great actress on the world’s stage. What’s worse at times when he goes to share a story, I shut him down because I may, sorry to admit, find the story uninteresting. Shame on me. I’ll have to work on that.

On the other hand, it is in my nature to ask after others, to inquire how my friends are before even sharing with them how I am.  To be honest, it is not that I possess this heightened sense of altruism as I would so gallantly lead you to believe. I am just a very curious person. Miss- 20- questions they used to call me in college because upon first meeting someone I would pepper them with questions to get to know them.  I do know that I am definitely not like the Starbucks talker, although I have known these people and may even have a lingering though waning friendship with someone like that.  Those friendships are not worth my time and energy. Ironically, although one would assume that talking is the more fatiguing of the two activities, listening especially in the midst of a ravenous babbler, is absolutely draining!

The challenge therefore, is two fold. To practice listening in a proactive manner which means if you tend to err on the side of excessive talk then for once in your life fermer la bouche, cállate la boca and listen! This is likely much easier said than done, for the obnoxious talker probably also does not fully realize that they are this way. Admitting our problem is the first step to overcoming addiction; and talking that much I am going to call out as an addiction.

If on the other hand you tend to permit those people with whom you have significant relationships in your life to do all the talking to the point where you know more about them than they know about you, then it’s time to cut some strings and seek out people that are going to reciprocate in their communication with you and let you be heard.

Communication is a two-way street and as much as we enjoy talking, I really think we are more successful communicators when we listen.