Thinker. Dreamer. Lover

Today, Facebook reminded me of a party 12 years ago, when I was first dating my now husband. It was the beginning of a relationship. The beginning of a budding love that was built on a strong emotional connection. The start of learning how to be in a committed long-term relationship that has spanned the course of over a decade, two continents and multiple countries. It was all just initiating this day, 12 years ago. Ironically, the photo Facebook prompted today was of a night when my spouse displayed some of his most unbecoming behavior; yet I look back at it now with fondness and remember the love that grew from those early days.

Today, 12 years later, I am confronted with the reality that we are now nearing the end of that relationship. The conclusion of a love that albeit experienced significant ups and downs, trials and tribulations and hardships was a love that I was convinced was unconditional and that would be forever. To be honest, for me, it will always be an unconditional love towards my spouse. He has done so many things that could have led me to stop loving him, and at times that romantic notion of erotic love was not present for me. I have chosen to love him, I have chosen to always give my heart to him, and I choose even today for him to know that I will always love him, even though as I understand he no longer loves me that way.

It is the end and for me it is soul crushing. I am devastated. I feel that I’ve lost not only my love, but my best friend, my companion, my partner in crime and most impactful, my home. He has been my place of refuge and respite, where I could feel free to be myself, to find comfort and to rest my weary soul. Our home wasn’t always the most peaceful: we would bicker about the menial things like the tidiness of the place or forgetting to take the trash out; he would be in a state of anger or for many years of drunken stupor that would make it uncomfortable for me; conversely, I would be in an outrage of fury or emotional upheaval from how difficult life was and made it uncomfortable for him. It was also a home full of laughter, dancing, joking, and so much love. It was evenings having meals together and cooking. It was snuggling on the couch in an intimate embrace sharing our thoughts and feelings. It was lounging around lazily on a Sunday preparing a hearty breakfast. It was all our adventures out in the world, skiing the Alps, taking a boat ride on the Mediterranean or simply strolling casually through the park on many a blustery day in London.

Our relationship has been highly imperfect and what most people would call dysfunctional. Yet, it has been real, true, emotional, and raw. And in that authenticity, I have felt that I’ve had a home because there has not been judgement or condemnation, but rather forgiveness, grace, and love. A constant in an ever-changing world and a space to feel that one could be loved, could find hope to change and grow.

The world and the people in it, pressure their societal norms on what is acceptable in standards of relationships and marriage. Humans more and more are encouraged to be self-serving and overly superficial. You’re supposed to find someone that is highly compatible with you, with whom you get along easily, that shares many common interests, that leads a similar lifestyle, whose standard of living is comparable and with whom you can mostly smile, laugh, and just have a good time. My husband and I connected on a deeper intellectual and emotional level, we had a lot of fun together, but we didn’t check some of those other boxes. I suppose after so many years together, the interests became more similar out of compromise and habit. On the surface, however we are very different people. I’ve known that our entire relationship, but it has not deterred nor daunted me from wanting to be with him, because there is so much and such great love.

I’ve devoted myself to preserving what we share, of cherishing the uniqueness of our situation, a relationship that has been different in so many ways. We’ve been separated many times during our 12 years, for brief periods of one, two or three months, inevitably always returning to each other and to that love and that home that brings us so much warmth.

It seems now, things have drastically changed. The commitment to be together, forever, has waned or dare I say it, faded completely. I’ve been told “I just don’t love you that way” anymore and “I will always love you, just not in that way”. I am not ready for this. I cannot bear to know that the person I love most in the world, no longer returns the sentiment. I don’t want to accept that this is happening, but I must honor and respect my husband’s feelings. All I want is for him to be well, to find peace and to know that my love for him will never change. The beginning of our time, he was a different person, a troubled person and I fell in love with him. I don’t think this is because I was so damaged a person, but because I had so much hope for him, so much love to give.

Now, at the end, he has become a stable, strong, and responsible person. I am proud of his accomplishments; I am glad he has battled his demons and mostly won.

Today Facebook reminded me of what I remember as a beautiful time in my life 12 years ago, when I was falling in love; despite the difficulties and imperfections of what was one indiscriminate night.  Today Facebook also prompted me to feel pain and loss at the relationship coming to an end. I hope in the future when Facebook prompts me on this day in years to come, I remember it as it was for me, 12 years ago……….