Thinker. Dreamer. Lover

Loss. I don’t know how to cope with it. Grief comes in waves, crashing over me at inopportune times. While I am walking down the street, a flashing memory or a thought will suddenly overcome me. I crumble emotionally and the automatic response are a flood of tears streaming down my face. It happened the other day at the supermarket. In the middle of the afternoon after a boring meeting at work, when my mind is free to wonder. It’s triggered me this morning over a cup of coffee. To be fair, I was sitting looking at photos on my computer—probing and prodding the memories over the years. I was egging myself on – not intentionally – just because I ached with emptiness and the loss is too much on a Sunday that I wanted to see your face. It is the face of the person I will love for the rest of my life- but whom I may never see again.

It’s strange. Loss from the death is finite in ways that, although painful, allows us acceptance because there is no changing it. When I think about my tío Byron, I feel that acute pain. The sadness that accompanies the knowledge that he suffered, alone and then took his last breaths and was gone forever. I will never get to talk to him again. I am overwhelmed by the knowledge that he was a good man who had to go quietly and alone, without the company of family by his side and probably hurting more mentally than physically from the isolation of it all, while it was happening. It’s devastating, cruel and unfair. I cannot change it. It is tragic but irreversible.

Loss of the living, however, is a torture I do not know if I can endure. Especially your loss, the loss of a love that I was sure was forever. The conviction that we were soulmates, as foolish as that may sound, as disillusioned as the notion of one true love or love at first sight – and yet all truths that I had constructed in my mind. I am not a whimsical person who is out of touch with reality or has ideas of grandeur that distance me from having my feet firmly planted on the ground. To the contrary, I am a pragmatist, a realist or per my critics a pessimist. I don’t think I am an idealist, although I certainly see how the world could be better. I am just a foolish woman in love, who loves deeply and who’s commitment to my husband is the one true constant in my life. It is a love born out of deep compassion, care and understanding for you as a human being. A love that was forged in bonds of affection, shared experiences and and a million “I love you” “Te amo” articulated and exchanged over the years. A love tested throughout the years even when there were many a times when I didn’t like you very much. I do not think this love will ever falter or change. I am not capable of removing you from my heart. You have burrowed your place there, and regardless of how much pain it will forever cause me, my heart is eternally yours. How do I accept what happened when my mind goes to all the ways that it could have been undone? How do I move on when the ever-flickering glimmer of hope lingers on?

 I am a deeply feeling person. These emotions are not easily swayed or changed. They are part of who I am, as are you – whom I’ve been for the past 12 years. We listen to all this ‘wisdom’ telling us to be our own person, to love ourselves before anybody else. I do not disagree with that -but at the same time is it not possible to love someone so profoundly that they are an indelible part of your very existence? They leave an imprint on your heart, your mind the very essence of who you are. If you can give unconditional love to someone, is that really a terrible thing? It means that you can be greater than the basic survival tendencies that construct the animal kingdom and that give us the privilege of consciousness as human beings. To truly want the best for someone else, without expecting anything in return – that is love that is far greater than what most know. I am not perfect, nor was I an easy partner or spouse – in some ways. I struggled with my own existential crisis and with the latent dysfunction that was my childhood trauma. I was too concerned with making you happy. I made myself unwell in the process. This is not a reflection of who you are. This is my own internal struggle and demons that I must confront in order to ever be truly and fully whole as an individual. I am cognizant and have a razor-sharp awareness of my limitations, my tribulations that have carried on into adulthood due unresolved childhood issues. We are all humans in the world dealing with some level of this reality. I accept that I must work on myself, and I know that it is not an easy road, nor is it one that brings immediacy in resolution. It takes being honest with oneself and willing to take steps – at whatever degree- towards improvement and change.

Yet, this is the behavioral and mental work, but love, well it is unfaltering. True love, love that transcends reason or logic or space or time. Love that absorbs personal pain, rejection and dies to one’s selfish needs because it is far more important to give than to receive – well that is love that is once in a lifetime. It would be hypocritical of me to claim that I would not want the same in return – I do. I thought I had that. I thought I understood that our love was that.

Yet, even if it is not, even if as you say, “you don’t love me that way anymore”, I will always love you. Not because I am weak, feeble, codependent or have such a lack of self-respect that I would just spend my life pining away for someone for the rest of my days. No. I am strong – yet I am kind. I am independent, yet I am able to sacrifice, and I actually think I am pretty damn mother fucking great – so clearly, I do have self-love. As for humanity at large, I am not so convinced.

I have always wanted the best for you. The best life, peace of mind, compassion, kindness, care and above all love. You will always have my love. Despite the distance of time and geography. Regardless of whether I am here in spirit or in person.

My commitment to keeping that space in my heart for you – always – means that I will deal with the loss. Now and forever.