Thinker. Dreamer. Lover

I’ve always felt like a phantom human. Not ever really part of this existence, of humanity. Talented, hard working, taking initiative and always top performing. Yet also, always fighting to be seen, struggling for a chance or opportunity. I am a good person. I am an excellent professional and have always delivered and exceeded expectations. Yet life has been a constant battlefield where I am the relentless front line soldier.

It goes back beyond that. To an entire life of hard work and effort that has by and large gone unrecognized. My history has not been easy. The value of my experience, of the calibre of person that I am and of what I bring into the workforce, should not be undermined. Yet, it has been, it is and it continues to be the case that the humanity talks about merit in a vacuum. I know as this is my life.

I was 12 years old and I ran away from home. I jumped out my window not knowing where I would go, just started running. It was a matter of life or death, I thought I was going to get beat to a pulp. So at that young age, I chose my own life and I ran. I ended up in foster care for a few months before a Christian family from the local church took me in for 3 years. I was like a wayward child, frightened but grateful for a chance to be in a warm bed and a loving family. They were kind and caring and possibly saved my life. From this experience, I learned to make hard decisions at a moments instance. I also gained gratitude. I do not take things for granted. I am humble.

I was 15 years old and I had to move out. The arrangement was only temporary. I had nowhere to go. I was a ward of the state of Florida. It was about to be summer between middle school and high school. My 68 year old grandmother stepped in. She was an immigrant to the USA and hardly spoke the language, but she came to Florida to be my guardian. I got my first job that summer working at an ice cream shoppe- the Dairy Queen. I would bicycle everyday in 40+ degree weather of the sweltering Florida heat, to work and back. It was a foretelling of my life to come. I spent all of my high school years working full time to pay for my books, supplies, pencils, pens, notebooks calculators, school fees. Whatever was necessary for my studies. The routine was I would go to school everyday, put 150% into being a top student, leave school at 3:30pm to get to my job by 4:30pm, I walked there everyday. Then worked until 10:30-11:00pm, would return to the small apartment that I lived in with my grandmother, burn the midnight oil to finish my studies around 1:30-2:00am and wake up by 7am to do it all again. From this experience I learned hard work. Endurance as a quality and perseverance as a characteristic,

I graduated at the top of my class in 1996. I was student 23 in a class of about 1000 graduating seniors -yes it was a BIG school. My gpa was 4.5/4.0 and that is because I took honors and college level classes that gave me additional points towards my academic rating. Still, I graduated not a penny wiser and no money to pay for college. What else was I going to do? Where was I going to go? I was academic and I loved school. Going to university was the only option for me, and I was told it would be the path to a brighter future. So I spent the summer working as many jobs as I could to try and save. I was able to afford enough for a down payment on a car, which I would need to get to college 2 hours away.

I was 18 years old. I headed off to “college” not realizing my experience would not be the same as everyone else’s. I had to figure out how to get a job right away to pay for all my expenses, my in-state tuition scholarship only paid my courses and some percentage of books. I would have to provide for my own housing, transportation, food and supplies. The 4 years at university were a blur and uncannily like the 3 years in high school. I hardly slept, worked multiple jobs, pursued a degree in French language and literature with two minors in Italian and Communication Studies. My jobs included working at Domino’s Pizza until 4am, working as a parking lot security guard starting at 4am, working at the school catering company hosting elite alumni events at all hours of the day, working to help a disabled woman with chores and cleaning, working in one of the school’s graduate halls as an administrative assistant. A combination of multiple jobs at the same type all distributed over the 4 years of studies. I worked full time, while studying 4 or 5 courses simultaneously.

Fast forward to 2000, I graduated magna cum laude, I had even made Phi Beta Kappa a prestigious invitation came in the mail, extended only to the top achieving students. I could not participate in any sort of inauguration ceremony or celebration of my accomplishments. I had to figure out how I was going to pay for graduate school. I had gotten accepted into my top 3 choices, with no scholarship for any of them, due lack of extracurricular activities. I had not stopped working full time and had maintained multiple gigs since age 15, so that did not allow me any time left to be an active member of any sorority or social club. Graduating with top honors didn’t matter much. I had to spend the summer working multiple jobs to try and save for some way of paying the bills while pursuing a Masters. From my arduous time at college, I became a trained ninja in the art of performance. I learned how to perform well under pressure and to execute at the highest levels, even when stressed

New York University. I thought it was a dream and an opportunity. Except, I could not fully pay for my tuition in year one. I was almost kicked out of graduate school that first semester for not being enrolled in enough credits. I had to negotiate with the administration that I would make it up to them in the second term and convince them that I would still complete all my coursework within the two -year window, which I did, despite this setback. I was 22 years old and I had 3 part time jobs while also trying to do an internship in order to gain some recognition for work. I worked as a retail assistant, an administrative assistant and a ticketing office assistant during the days, some evenings and all weekends. I went to class in between and studied late at night. I slept on the couch in the school lounge for most of the first semester as my roommate in the college dorms told me she was going to make my life a living hell because she didn’t want to live with anybody and we shared a studio sized room. I barely ate and I think at one point I got down to less than 100lbs. I was wasting away and couldn’t handle life. So I thought I would try death. Christmas 2000, I find myself in a mental hospital after attempting to take my life. They pumped my stomach and brought me back. Then I was in the mental ward of one of the local hospitals. I got out just in time for Christmas day and a sobering realization that nobody was ever going to help me, and my attempt at exiting this life had also failed.

So I put my head down and cranked on with the studies. Picked up a 4th job in the spring as a tutor to help pay for my tuition and I spent the rest of the time until completion of my M.A. hustling. I was just about to graduate and realized I could not afford NYC after grad school and that I was not able to compete for a job with so many other top of class students who had tons of internship experience and whose parents could get them a job through family friends. Also, I had lived through one of the darkest periods in human history, 9/11, and for me this was a defining moment intrinsically tied to life in New York. From this experience I was able to become a jack of all trades. I became a skilled organiser, with an attention for detail. I know what it means to juggle multiple tasks, under tremendous pressure, in the darkest of circumstances and still to succeed.

I decided to apply for a secondary M.A. in Florida where tuition was affordable and I could try and make something of myself, or so I thought. I was 24 years old and began studying to become a teacher of foreign languages. I would teach classes at the university to help pay tuition. I picked up work as a translator, and a tutor to families who wanted their children to learn another language. I kept the hustle going, doing my studies part time while trying to make ends meet as usual. Nothing new. Keep going. I fell in love for the first time, it was wonderful and it helped me feel as though there was hope in the world and that I was worthy of something. Then after 1 year, it ended and I was alone again.My last semester of classes and I would all of a sudden have the urge to cry and would have to excuse myself from class. Life cannot be all turmoil and tribulations. We need to be able to live, to experience love, to give and to receive and even to mourn.The last 6 months of my second graduate programme were a blur. I completed my studies but did not have the energy or mental fortitude to study for the Spanish literature exams, and as I had spent most of my time focusing on French, I only passed those exams. Thus, I left without completing my second M.A. degree, destined to put it down as ABA (all but degree) on my life record. Does it even matter? So many are so successful that haven’t even gone through college, what was I concerned over a secondary incomplete Masters degree? From this experience, I learned that sometimes you don’t always succeed, but you learn. Failure is a natural part of life, it is what we do after we have failed that matters most.

I was 26 years old and I needed to get a job, preferably one with benefits. I had not been able to afford to see a doctor or dentist throughout all of the years since high school as I was uncovered from medical insurance. It would be 4 more years before I would have access to healthcare.

I had to find work and move somewhere with more opportunities and perhaps were I could revel in my intellectual curiosities. I was smart. I spent many years studying a lot, living a lot and as my mind was a well oiled machine that never stopped, reflected and thought about things a lot. Could there be a place where my intelligence and performance could be valued? An old college friend of mine was living in Boston and offered to let me sleep on his couch until I found a job and a room. So upon completion of courses, I sold my car, packed my bags and boarded a plane for New England.

I got a job as a waitress at a local restaurant, called Chilis, and also worked as a Sales Assistant at the GAP. I had a Bachelor’s and a Masters degree, but I didn’t think there were any other types of jobs I could get. I stayed with my friend for a few weeks until I found a room in Cambridge and quickly started looking for other work opportunities. I was down the street from both Harvard and M.I.T. but those places were a world away from me. Inaccessible to someone of my status and background. I spoke multiple languages, so I started seeking opportunities to teach and landed in adult education teaching part time classes at night. I also found opportunities to be a university lecturer in communication studies thanks to the power of the brand, NYU, and my graduate studies. I worked all over, transporting myself from one end of the city to the other. All were part time jobs with short durations that required me ask at the end of each term if I would get renewed to teach again in the next term. Some said yes and some said no. For the latter, I would hustle to find a replacement job. And so it went on for 4 years. I barely made enough money to get by each month. My student loans were slowly creeping up each year and I had no idea how I was going to pay the bigger amounts. I tried interviewing for full time, permanent jobs in the hopes of actually having a career path. It was mostly rejection after denial after another. I signed up for temp agencies who would find people placements that would go from temporary to permanent- except all my placements never did. They were at established Boston companies and institutions and I only assumed that I as I was not part of a certain class, I did not deserve to have any such opportunities. It was the early 2000s. The term DEI had not yet been invented. Yet, apply I would, always trying, convinced that I had to persevere.

Finally, I got a chance at an interview process and landed the role as a Marketing Assistant at the Harvard Business School. The idea was I worked in their event management to recruit top graduates to their MBA. What an exciting role! I couldn’t believe my luck. I was 28 years old and I thought I had finally gotten my opportunity. Except it didn’t last. The girls I worked with, they didn’t like me much. and though in past I had stood up when I saw discrimination happening around me, this would be my foray into directly experiencing it myself. I was a brown girl with a foreign name and olive toned skin. I spoke with articulation and eloquence. I asked if I could continue doing my language teaching at night as I enjoyed teaching foreign languages, maybe this offended them. They were suppose to help me learn the ropes in the new role. Instead, they excluded me. They would ignore me. They would purposely leave out key information and then I would look the fool in front of the manager. It was a cruel way to get somebody fired. It was my first full time, permanent job, and I had no idea why this was happening. I just wanted to be part of the team and have a chance! I cried a lot in the first few days from the isolation, the exclusion and the naiveté of what I was experiencing. Next thing I knew, I was being professionally “let go” with a small severance settlement and condolences for it just not being “a good cultural fit”. From this experience, I became an authentic advocate and champion of DEI. Leading by example, making sure to be purposefully inclusive, consciously aware of others diversity and profoundly in tune with behaving with justice and equality towards all.

Soon, I was 29 years old and unemployed. I had a boyfriend, but then he dumped me once I lost my job. He was Chinese and didn’t understand why I was so wildly unsuccessful in light of his great and many successes. I moved out to live in a shared apartment with another young professional. I had to find work and got a job as a receptionist at a hotel, an ESL teacher at a local institute and continued teaching Spanish part time at night. I kept applying for full time permanent work, but nothing much materialized, I would not even get the chance to interview. At one point, I managed a part time teaching role as a Spanish teacher for a bilingual French school, it was of course one of many jobs. On another occasion, I attempted to teach High School Spanish in an inner city school - but those kids took one look at me and swallowed me whole and spit me out the other side. I remember being called rather vulgar and explicit names by the students, having to keep myself composed until the end of the day, when I would head home and promptly burst into tears. Clearly I was no urban school teacher.

I was about to be 30 years old. The pressures from all side started to take their toll. What was I doing with my life? How was I going to be able to afford my future? What sort of educated and talented person cannot land a job? A woman who had sought my help with Spanish translation, suggested that I try to get a training job in a company. I searched for these types of jobs and applied. Low and behold, an opportunity presented itself with a California based software company looking for a multilingual trainer with abilities in Spanish and French. I had never worked in the business world. I thought I was past my prime. The hiring manager took a risk on me and gave me a job, she was an accomplished professional and a wise manager. I was so grateful! I had never thought I would get a chance and with the opportunity at hand, I gave it my all. I worked tirelessly to prove myself and to show the gratitude I had for the opportunity given. I was incredibly optimistic about life going forward. I had finally achieved what for so long seemed elusive. My first job in corporate and for a tech company, and a really cool one at that. I remember it was the first time I ever saw a dentist thanks to my healthcare benefit. I was in awe of being able to have access to such things.

It was an excellent role, I loved my team and the company was dynamic and engaging. I spent almost 2 years with them, traveling to California and all over, Canada, Mexico, China and Japan. It was exciting and I was learning and growing. Then I was 32 years old and I got recruited to work for a company called SuccessFactors, in an exciting role on a new product. I would be doing client implementations and the job came with a generous pay increase. I was flattered that I would be sought out. Was I finally being seen and appreciated for my talent? Was this what career growth was all about? I did not have anyone to consult, so I assume yes and seized the day. That is how I got into the “career” of HR Technology. Within 1 year at SuccessFactors they were acquired by SAP and I was laid off from my role for 4 months until another opportunity was available. From this early career chance, I learned that I can succeed and that I am worthy. In hindsight, I also realise that just because a carrot is dangled does not mean you should go after it.

Working with SuccessFactors has been both an opportunity and a further trial. For 10 years, I was able to have work and get work. There were times earlier on when I was recruited and when I first came to live in Europe/UK, it seemed like opportunities were limitless. I was often attracted to different companies as a way to learn new things, expand my horizons and challenge myself. I’ve worked in large consultancy, boutique consultancy multiple industries, multiple countries and multiple languages. I’ve done jobs that are highly technical, highly functional, in matrix organizations, with people of various degrees and calibre. I’ve led teams, developed people and seen many of those who I worked with grow into careers and roles that have celebrated them. I’ve helped as many as I can, whether it is with a task, a listening ear, or even standing up and being a voice for some who were not getting the recognition they deserved. I’ve had the opportunity to hire people and have given people a chance, just like my first manager did for me. I thought for many years that work life, although not what I had dreamed it would be, was an area of my life in which I was succeeding. Little did I know that things were about to change. From this experience, I learned that going with the flow for financial security may not always garner the long term satisfaction that I seek.

For the past 5 years, work and life has been a true struggle, again. I have been taken back to the days when I was a young person having to hustle and do just about anything to get by. I am burned out. I have worked in more toxic environments in this time than I care to recall. I have had so many micro-managers and have met so many leaders who do not want to make things right, but relish in their power, the control they exert and pressuring others, simply because they can. I’ve seen how people who have families to take care of, do not speak up for themselves for fear of retribution, but drudge on in silence. I’ve gained 20kilos from all the stress, the emotional burden of caring too much and wanting to do well in a world where being kind, being collaborative, being excellent, is a threat to others. Yet, despite these difficulties, I have always given my best, been professional and helped others, if I can. Until it becomes too much; until my conscious has been weighed down heavily by the injustices I’ve seen and the toil on my fragile mental health is overwhelming.

I’ve been very ill this past year. I’ve had an accident on my working hand. My body feels like it is decomposing at an accelerated pace and I just cannot do the toxic jobs, toxic people anymore. I’ve left jobs that I could not keep under these circumstances. Plagued with the guilt of certain leaders behavior towards their own teams where they would hire me as an external consultant to do their dirty work. It didn’t feel right. The burden was too much. Consequently, my current situation is also a direct result of having too much of a morale compass. My integrity, a chink in the armor of job security. In fact, in all the periods of life that I have been without work, without financial help, I never, not ever, not once received any kind of social support, welfare or benefits. To this day, this is true. My life has been analogous to that of a tight walker on the rope, with no security net underneath. I walk that tight rope teetering, veering, the other side seems nigh in sight, but instead is an infinite path and I must balance the pole, that has become so unbearably heavy, and keep moving forward. I am an invaluable asset as an employee in the right context and under courageous leadership, I know how to take calculated risks and I am not scare of falling off the rope.

Instead here I am, on a wet and blustery day in London, faced with a devastating reality. I’m 45 years old and I am unemployed. I am about 6-8 weeks from not knowing how I will pay the rent, the bills or feed myself. I’ve applied to more jobs than I can account for and receive either the rote “we have decided not to proceed further with your candidature” or more recently a human response from the recruiter explaining that I was up against too much talent. The competition is stiff, supposedly from many layoffs in various industries. Bad timing to be without work.

I never thought at this stage, I would go back to being 15 in my life. I rely now on all the lessons from all the experiences that I’ve had an although I am despondent, I am trying to see how I can apply them now. Should I apply to work at some local shoppes, perhaps a neighborhood restaurant or cafe – anything where I can try and earn some income? I worry about how those conversations with those hiring managers will go. I have not been a waitress in some 20 years, who am I to ask for a job when a young person needs it? Even if they give me a chance, I would be earning at best a London living wage and not quite making rent. Yet, I am not 15, and uneducated or unexperienced. I am highly educated, have not only professional, but life experience on my side as well as so much more to offer the world. I have what the world needs but doesn’t know how to appreciate. A professional that is high performing but that also comes with heart. A manager who has led teams towards success for the client and for the individual members. A human that has walked in other people’s shoes, and understand the importance of empathy and listening and compromise in these difficult times. A customer centric and focused individual who succeeds in creating relationships and networks. I have so much to offer! Somebody give me a damn job!

My life, has mostly been akin to Sisyphus, pushing the boulder uphill, thinking you’ve gotten to the top, just to start all over again. For the brief period of time when my talents were searched for and needed, I had so much hope that I had succeeded. Those years when I worked for all those different companies, I wasn’t looking for more money, a fancy title or power; I moved roles because I am a lifelong learner. Always wanting to expand my horizons and see things from different perspectives, to live in different cultures. My demise inevitably is in my insatiable spirit of inquiry. I recognize that I would not be in my current predicament, if I had just stayed put in one role. In this reflection, I have learned that being too open has led me to be exposed. Also, that it is never to late to change, and to forgive myself for past behaviours.

My whole life has been marked by having to shift, move, adapt and in the most difficult of circumstances succeed. I’ve proven that I can do that. Now, I want the chance to have the stability and peace of mind that so many others have. To know that I can provide for myself; that I don’t have to crack my knuckles in concern for work and the next paycheck. To be able to have a reliable income, preferably in a role and organization where what I have to offer is recognized and appreciated.

I have a lot of existential thoughts running through my head, now more than ever as I have time on my hands to think and reflect.

Why do I struggle when all I seek is an opportunity to work and contribute in a meaningful way?

Why does it feel like I’ve helped others, but it is hard to get a hand of help myself?

Why are the good people in the world, always the one’s who are so easily burned?

Why keep on trying in a world where clearly, merit is of no consideration?

Why do certain humans make it so difficult for others, when they have been given so much?

The answer to these questions will go unknown.

I don’t know how I will muster the courage to keep going on. Hope is diminished and my energy and spirit depleted. I am tired at this stage and my body and mind have taken a beating. I yearn for any semblance of help. An opportunity for work that honors my capability and allows me to do a job with dignity. I put one foot in front of the other, still. I do not know for how long, or if a break will come or if I will finally break completely. 

The battle rages on.