Thinker. Dreamer. Lover

Another year has passed and I turn 46 only to find myself continually faced with the persistent existential crisis that consumed my thoughts for the past 4 years. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What meaning does life have?

The questions are yet unanswered but having asked them so many times over in my head and being fully awake to the world, observant of the people in it, the patterns, structures and systems that rule us, I’ve had some clues.

Life is about moments, time spent with people that care for you, that share in the merriment with you and sometimes also hold your hand as you face struggles and challenges. Wealth is not measured by material possession but rather in the richness of these connections. Happiness is the balance between pursuing the desires of your heart and the community of support that surrounds you when the life is hard and the world keeps you from realizing your dreams. Love is both giving to others and receiving in return, it is belonging to oneself as much as to this great experiment we call humanity.

I don’t have people. I’ve never been part of any community, starting with the most fundamental building block, family. As a precocious child, I was misunderstood. As an adolescent, my inquisitive spirit would not allow me to conform. As an adult, I have lived and seen too much of the world, to put the blinders back on.

I am a person that cares deeply, feels profusely, would give anything for those that I love, if only others would allow love and light in.

I stand at an existential precipice and teeter over the edge, undaunted by the thought of plunging myself down and off this cliff. I question whether a life, lived in isolation, is one worth living.

If humanity has taught me anything, it is that being someone profound and deeply feeling, will time and again lead to heartache. That being selfless and giving to others, paradoxically, diminishes your worth to them. That listening more than you speak, drowns out your voice so that you become mute. That treating others like you would want to be treated, just results in being treated like you are only as good as the comfort you provide.

People celebrate vanity. They are mesmerized by what glitters. Their attention turned towards spectacle and show. Human beings rank each’s other importance based on those that take the most and give the least. Those are the admired humans, the ones people look up to and aspire to be. Characteristics that are celebrated are “dominant”, “winning”, “proud”, “performing”, “successful”, “affluent”, “takes what they want”.

Humility Truth, Honesty, Integrity, Kindness are traits that are regarded as weak. People who exhibit such characteristics are looked upon with suspicion and disinterest. We become the lesser, almost non-existent. That is how I feel. A phantom being in a human world. Not seen, not heard and left to wither and my spirit feels like it is slowly dying, an ember in the ashes.

I have tried and tried. I’ve given my all in an effort to connect, to reach out, to care and it feels as though others, they just do not. Without meaningful contact, I am as good as an apparition, floating through world as a spectator, never able to be part of it myself.

I am tired. I am alone. Always. Again. It seems like forever.

If Angels exist, perhaps this year, 46, will be the one in which I may finally meet one. I hope they welcome me, accepting of who I am, a person full of goodness and grace.

May I finally find some comfort here.